4/16/25—thoughts about creation, blessings, curses, gods, and where do i fit in all of this
the world has been horrible to me lately, if not from the start. this is a fact of life my mother refuses to acknowledge out loud, but knows. and so does everyone else who knows me. "i cant remember your issues anymore," max had said in jest before, but everyone around us agreed. that was a week ago. that was understandable. and yet, i still don't know what to feel about that.
they say don't complain about the hands you're dealt, nobody ever gets anything they can't handle.but why am i getting worse, getting less? why am i getting things that i may be handle mentally and emotionally, but not financially? why is it when i try to do better, be better...it just doesn't last? something happens, but not enough, not long, or maybe not even long enough.
i don't want to keep saying i hate being alive, that i want to die—because sometimes, i like this place, i like this body i have that allows me to jump, to run, to feel the wind in my hair and soil and grass against my skin, fur against my hands. sometimes, i love my memories, i love the ones i make and remember, and even the ones i forget. every skin i touch and remember, ever love and life I've seen and lived—sometimes i love them all more than the hell I've been dealt.
but sometimes it's too much. i see a large chunk of my salary go to medication that rises in price while my worth in financial terms doesn't seem to match. i try to live better, eat better, yet my skin cracks and bleeds with the wrong air, the slightest off-beat movement. i touch grass, i thank soil, but somehow im rejected by both and my own self.
my lungs collapse on themselves so easily, my joints only slightly better, but not any less painful. i work out as much as i can, and yet it doesn't seem to be right or enough. im strong as im weak, i know, and that's not bad because that's human—yet why is it only weakness, weakness, weakness that shines? that persists? that's constant?
sometimes, it's not just the meat of the flesh too. sometimes its the brain, the heart. i try so hard to make things peaceful, calm, and yet against my will, they refuse to cooperate. i shake in exchange and it feels like the manifestation of my all my internal struggles come out, making the overall external world worse, worse, so much worse.
im not sure what else i should be doing. why should i just accept this? how do i be better? why was i given all these, with no proper way to cope and handle things without sacrifice? why am i being forced to sacrifice in exchange of something that's a normal, a given, to many, yet not to me? i dont get it.
i believe in god, and other deities and spirits and saints. i may not be a devout catholic, but i do believe in the Christian doctrine and all. and i love god, i love Jesus. i call on him no matter what. thank him, ask him. but why do i feel left out from his grace? why am i different? why am i being told to thank him, when even though im thankful for many things, this isn't one of them?
is this enough to deter me from him? i dont think so. i cant let go of my god, my jesus. but i cant say that its bringing me closer too.
ive always had interest in other belief systems and beings, calling myself agnostic or deist rather than catholic. lately, this interest has been shining brighter and brighter. it came to a point i found a label that might suit me better after all: christopagan. a duality, Christian and pagan, but of course it makes sense—the two have always been intertwined then, and in my culture, especially so (with animism too). no wonder it felt like coming home, like i felt right.
i still have no answers, though, for why im like this, and what else i can do to help myself, even if i wish i didnt have to. and maybe exploring christopaganism won't help exactly, and maybe i dont need more spirituality in my life. maybe this is just me begging the stars and the skies to give me something else to hold onto, to blame, because im desperate for anything that can help at this point. something selfish.
or maybe this is just me trying to feel better about myself. to give myself hope from something supposedly beyond me, because i can't keep giving myself hope as much anymore. maybe besides looking for a new being to blame, im looking for guidance from a different lens, a different life. maybe im looking for something or someone else to pray to and for. maybe it's not that i think Jesus is lacking in his support and love for me, but maybe i think i need something different with it too. ans maybe this is selfish too, just nicer, more...believing, more open, more...hopeful.
but that's human, isn't it? all of this? dualities, contradictions, selfishness. happy, yet not. mad, but content. begging in hate and haste, but still praying, hoping. loving, even when there's no reason or proof of fruit.
certain beings have been calling out to me more and more lately. i dont wanna decide on anything yet, not like this, but i guess i want to sign off this 12am post with this—
god, jesus, mama mary, all the angels and saints, i love you all. i may not be the perfect catholic, or Christian rather, but i know i believe in you all. maybe it was indoctrinated in me, but even so, with all the dualities, i believe and choose to do so still. in the world, in the spirits, in the skies above and universes around. im thankful for all of you. yet in the end, i am just human after all. i will question, i will yell, i will scream, and in the same breath, i will thank, and i will pray. and i will keep looking around, throwing things, thanking things, cleaning up, and maybe doing it all again.
i personally believe there's multiple worlds, gods and goddesses, yet all just part of one major universe, if not an eternal great being or more. i believe god is what we each make it to be, what we hope it to be, what we look for it to be so. and maybe mine is only Christian, associated with a cross. or more. or less. i cant tell. i like thinking about it and trying to find out though.
maybe in the process, i can find something to help me better. maybe i can hold less anger this way. maybe i won't walk smoother, breathe easier, but maybe it can make living better a minute at a time.
and if nothing comes out of this, of everything, i will probably feel worse, that's true. i might lash out even more. i might lose control. but i can at least come out of this with more knowledge, more time well-spent on doing something i like: that is, learning, no matter how strange or niche.
i dont think ill win this 100%, but i can at least say i won something in the end. whatever it may be, let's see. is this foolish optimism? maybe. or just human?
in the meantime, ill try to get some sleep. its been enough days of trying to be a so-called better person. i need to be human at least in my nest, in my sleep, in my peace.
god, gods and goddess of the world, please give me strength. please keep giving me strength and good health. please guide me still. please keep me human always. thank you.